My Boyfriend is Selfish. Why Won’t He Change for Me?

My boyfriend, age 59, and I, age, 50, have been collectively 6 years. We had been every beforehand in long run marriages and have children.

During the course of our relationship there have been sufficient tough spots, many, I imagine, stemming from his undiagnosed ADD, and maybe even delicate Aspergers, to push for counseling. After years of defensive resistance, we now see a therapist who identified him, he’s cautiously making an attempt out totally different meds (with little impact up to now), and helps us work towards a greater relationship. The points are his distractibility, impulsiveness, forgetfulness and frequent lack of ability to see issues from any perspective aside from what works for him. Quite typically our disagreements spiral down the proverbial rabbit gap. Weird, nonsensical, insensitive and extremely irritating. He has a tough time processing ideas the place the circumstances change and nuance is concerned. It is usually maddening. And but, I do love him – very a lot.

But I’ve additionally realized that who he’s due to how his mind is wired may stay a relentless supply of frustration and angst. Me wishing he would simply “get it”, and he resenting being reminded when he doesn’t. When issues are good and I’ve his consideration, I can’t fathom leaving the connection. And different occasions, when care and consideration simply take flight as a result of one thing extra thrilling has caught his consideration, I’m wondering – what am I doing right here.

We are each extremely educated, financially safe – he more-so (after which some) than me on each counts, well-traveled (one thing we do very effectively as a result of I get the companionship I want and he will get the stimulus he craves), effectively cultured, effectively learn, politically aligned and household oriented. He is appreciative of me all the time, beneficiant and real along with his compliments, tells me and reveals he loves me (when I’ve his consideration) and desires to please me. He’s endlessly energetic (additionally exhausting), effortlessly outgoing (to the purpose of consideration looking for), all the time up for one thing new (although typically in poor health conceived), nice with my children (he’s the enjoyable Dad sort), affectionate (typically in over-drive), useful, useful (as long as it pursuits him), and easy-going (except it interferes along with his pursuit of delight). You get the concept. Some days he’s the very best and most fantastic particular person to be with, different days, it’s like watching a micro-burst of frenetic busy-ness whereas I’m caught swinging on the prime of a damaged Ferris wheel.

Within the primary 12 months of our relationship he cheated on me whereas on a solo journey midway around the globe. Seems he simply couldn’t resist the temptation of a reasonably younger factor at a celebration at his lodge the night time earlier than he flew residence to see me – the girlfriend he missed.

Somehow, I knew he strayed. I requested repeatedly, and repeatedly, he lied. The nagging feeling lingered for months. I noticed I’d not seen since his return the journal I had given him earlier than he left – by which I lovingly inscribed “write all of it down – share it with me” – because it was his behavior – to maintain little notebooks and jot down memorable tidbits. Months later, there was nonetheless no sharing. No journal in sight.

I discovered the journal sealed and tucked out of sight. The one night time stand was succinctly however plainly famous, simply one other tidbit, referencing her age-25, “blue blood” and “spent the night time”. His first response was to not console me, apologize and even specific regret. I used to be crying in a nook and as a substitute of even approaching me, he introduced from throughout the room how he shouldn’t write issues down anymore. Huh???

He discovered it tough to empathize and stated he’d perceive if I left him. Though he did all the things I requested of him, lacking was an intuitive understanding of what he may do on his personal to make me really feel higher.

Fast ahead to current day. Out of the blue he introduced two days in the past that he IS taking a SOLO two month journey around the globe in a number of months, to discover, surf and kiteboard in an “Endless Summer” expertise – simply because he’s turning 60! He doesn’t appear to grasp why I’m not absolutely trusting, or his enthusiastic cheerleader on this hedonistic self-absorbed pleasure pushed journey. He additionally doesn’t appear to grasp why saying this to his ex spouse – not seeing their 12 yr outdated for 2 months – goes to end in authorized charges for failure to adjust to the detailed parenting plan of their divorce decree. It is ALL about him. I advised him NONE of it was happy with me. Not the way in which he offered it as a finished deal with out even occupied with my response, Not the two month length. Not with the belief points, Not with a way of nauseating entitlement that pursuit of this type of pleasure was extra necessary than his obligations to our relationship, his baby, his household, his companies, and so forth.

I advised him if he pursued it I might lose all respect for him and he would lose me. He received defensive and offended and forged me as a controlling, leash tugging gate keeper – simply making an attempt to spoil his good time, however that he was doing it anyway. The subsequent day, I wrote a letter detailing all the problems. He heard me, understood my factors, and agreed with a lot of what I stated. I’ve by no means spent two stable months with him, ever, not in 6 years. I see him 2 nights every week and each different weekend. He’s been away at his summer season residence a lot of the summer season, and solely sometimes with me after I make an effort to go to him. Otherwise, if it’s his time to be on the household compound he doesn’t go away.

This sort of factor occurs all too typically. It’s like Jekyll and Hyde. This one, just like the dishonest, is among the many worst.

Do I keep? Do I soar ship?

If it weren’t for his ADD that I imagine leads him to those impulsive, random, illogical, not possible, reckless and insensitive ideas and actions, I might have left way back. It doesn’t excuse his conduct – he’s a grown up in any case, however I’ve seen up shut the unusual and darker forces that may dominate his uniquely wired mind when that vivid shiny factor is within the cross hairs of his pleasure looking for.

Thoughts, recommendation?

You get lots of of letters. I do know this one is WAY too lengthy, however the telling was considerably cathartic for me. So thanks for studying. I really like your spot-on assessments. Your spouse is fortunate to have a constant pondering, feeling, empathetic life companion.

Kind regards,


“If your aunt had balls, she’d be your uncle.”

I stated that final night time to the ladies in Love U in response to an analogous query a couple of man who was not residing as much as expectations.

My shopper was questioning what to do with this man – whether or not she ought to minimize bait, tips on how to get him to alter – and I merely identified one thing crude I heard from my spouse twelve in the past.

What it means is that it could be just one change, however that one change basically alters the essence of the item:

If your aunt had balls, she’d be your uncle.

If Ted Bundy didn’t homicide folks, he’d be a extremely charming man.

If Ted Bundy didn’t homicide folks, he’d be a extremely charming man.

If your boyfriend had been much less egocentric, he’d be an incredible catch.

But he’s not.

You realize it. I do know it. Anyone studying this e mail is aware of it.

   a. He doesn’t need to change. He likes who he’s.

   b.  He doesn’t have to alter. You’ve caught with him for six years regardless of this conduct. Why would he assume that this time can be any totally different?

   c.  He can’t change. Whether it’s outdated canine/new methods, ADD or, as I believe, narcissistic character dysfunction, it doesn’t matter. This is who he’s. Take it or go away it.

Like our president, your boyfriend is an overgrown baby who acts out however doesn’t pay any worth for his selfishness.

Since there aren’t any penalties to his conduct, he retains appearing out – whether or not it’s dishonest, failing to search out empathy, or taking off for 2 months with out you.

You could make all the justifications on the earth for him – what a fantastic man he’s – how charming, enjoyable, and energetic – however that’s simply to disregard his massive design flaw: he’s a shitty companion.

Thus, it doesn’t matter how a lot you want him when issues are good.

How do you want being a second-class citizen inside your individual relationship?

If you don’t prefer it, get out.

If you keep, don’t anticipate issues to alter.

You’ve already taught him that he can get away with no matter he needs and also you’re not going to do something about it.

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