How to Stay Connected At A Distance? What You Do On Your Own is More Important Than You Think

By: Jennifer Belus. Jennifer has a PhD in Clinical Psychology and works as a researcher on the University of Maryland. Her research is targeted on growing interventions to assist {couples} overcome psychological and bodily well being issues and relationship challenges. She can also be co-creator of Elevate Wellness Retreats, a weekend retreat targeted on serving to {couples} get more healthy collectively. Find out extra about her work here.

So you’re in a long-distance relationship (LDR)? Maybe you
or your associate took a job or instructional alternative in one other metropolis, state,
or nation. Maybe one (or each) of you is at the moment deployed. Or possibly you met
whereas residing in separate areas and have every stayed in your respective
cities. Whatever the explanation, {couples} in LDRs know that sustaining a wholesome
relationship at a distance takes work! Of course each relationship requires
effort, however LDRs have distinctive challenges to sustaining good relationship
well being.

Two main challenges in LDRs are learn how to keep every day
communication and a way of closeness and intimacy while you’re bodily
separated more often than not. Maintaining that connection is tougher
while you’re long-distance, since a few of the methods you would possibly present closeness or
expertise intimacy you’ll be able to’t do when far aside—a fast kiss, a lightweight contact, or
even eye contact.

Of course, it is extremely potential to really feel related to your
associate whereas being geographically separated; the trick is to know what to do
and when to do it, with the intention to maximize intimacy and closeness. Continue
studying to search out out extra about what’s essential.

One Way to Think about
an LDR

Instead of considering of your total relationship as one huge separation, it may be useful to consider durations of separation (while you and your associate are bodily aside for longer stretches of time). Each of those durations of separation additionally has a earlier than and after. Let’s break this down.

Before separation. This is the time while you and your associate are collectively, however you’re anticipating the upcoming separation. Like the Monday morning after you’ve spent the lengthy weekend collectively and certainly one of you is driving or flying residence later that day.

During separation. This is the long-distance half—the place you might be your associate are bodily separated.

After separation. This is the time period while you and your associate are bodily reunited. For some {couples} that is one weekend at a time, whereas different {couples} would possibly reunite for a month or longer, however then have longer durations of separation in between.

This earlier than, throughout, and after separation is a cycle—you’re
bodily collectively, then you definitely separate, after which lastly (after what would possibly really feel
like endlessly) you reunite. This cycle continues for so long as you’re in an
LDR. So why is considering LDRs on this means useful?

The most essential purpose for breaking down LDRs on this means is that what you do to take care of a wholesome relationship seems completely different in every section. Numerous what’s written about LDRs focuses on the section of separation. Now in fact that is essential—being bodily separated might be most of the way you spend your time (bodily aside, as a substitute of collectively). But the opposite phases are essential to consider too. So let’s discuss what’s useful, and what isn’t, in every of those time phases.

Before we discuss what to do in every section, have you ever ever considered your personal LDR on this means earlier than?


How do ‘I’ and ‘They’
Fit into ‘Us’?

Before we dive into what to do, and what to not do, in every
section of the LDR, I would like you to contemplate yet another factor. If you learn a lot about
LDRs—in search of recommendation or tips about learn how to greatest handle your relationship at a
distance—then you definitely most likely learn loads about what you and your associate, collectively, must be doing. Like
speaking typically. Spending a sure period of time collectively. It is sensible
to give attention to the relational side, but it surely’s not the one piece.

What you every do individually,
your personal ideas and behaviors, and the way you every incorporate your broader social community, like leaning on household
or buddies for assist, has an affect.

There are literally three dimensions to the way you
keep your relationship—what every associate does on their very own (particular person
dimension), what the couple does collectively (relational dimension), and the way every
associate brings of their broader social community (community dimension).

Before you learn on, have you ever thought-about the person and community dimensions of the way you method your LDR?

Different Ways of
Maintaining your Relationship at a Distance—All are Not Created Equal

If we put collectively the LDR phases (earlier than, throughout, and after separation) with the scale of relationship upkeep (particular person, relational, and community), we find yourself with a Three x 3, like this one (click on to obtain a PDF outlining the three angles we can use to consider an LDR). When we take a look at it like this, it helps us see that the methods we use at every section and at every dimension can look completely different. These methods then have the potential to work kind of effectively, relying on the section and the dimension.

You could be questioning, “So which of them are good? Which ones
ought to I focus my vitality on?” Lucky for you, we did a survey research on this with
US adults in LDRs that may shed some mild.

The Role of the

The first not too stunning discovering was that the relational
dimension (what the couple does collectively) through the separation section was
essential for total relationship well-being. Individuals who communicated
extra with their companions throughout their time aside reported larger relationship

However, what the couple did earlier than or after separation did
not predict somebody’s reported degree of relationship satisfaction.

The take residence level
right here is that what you do as a pair whilst you’re bodily aside appears
to be most essential for relationship well-being.
Focus much less on what
precisely you’re going to do while you’re reunited and spend extra time figuring
out learn how to talk with one another usually whilst you’re aside to take care of
that connection. For some {couples} that features frequent texts all through the
day and brief name at night time. For different {couples} it’s an extended compensate for video
chat within the night however little or no all through the day. You and your associate
want to determine what works for you, as a unit.

The Role of the

Now, the extra stunning findings. When we appeared on the
particular person dimension of relationship upkeep—every particular person’s ideas and
behaviors exterior of what they do with their associate—we discovered that particular person
behaviors earlier than, throughout, and after separation had been all associated to relationship
satisfaction—however in several methods. More individually-focused behaviors earlier than and
throughout separation (e.g., mentally making ready for the separation, reflecting on
the connection through the precise separation), had been associated to extra
relationship satisfaction.

In different phrases,
individuals who engaged in additional psychological preparation and private reflection in
advance of the bodily separation, after which once more whereas they had been bodily
separated from their associate, had been extra happy with their relationship
This highlights that what you do by yourself is essential on your
relationship well being—not simply what you and your associate do collectively.

What you do by yourself is essential on your relationship well being—not simply what you and your associate do collectively.

Jennifer Belus

Even if you happen to’ve been in an LDR for some time, and really feel such as you’ve gotten right into a rhythm with the separating and reuniting, the method can nonetheless take a toll, bodily and emotionally. Taking the time to plan for the separation and get into the fitting ‘head house’ may help with the transition.

It additionally helps that when separated out of your associate, you
proceed to have interaction in constructive beliefs about your relationship. Of course, if
you’re actually struggling within the relationship, simply considering positively will not be
going to resolve the underlying downside. But it may be useful to maintain constructive future-oriented
ideas readily available as a relationship instrument, like reminding your self that your
relationship can face up to the gap.

And while you’re lacking your associate through the separation, you too can do some unbiased reminiscing. Thinking again to earlier good instances within the relationship may be satisfying and proceed to strengthen the connection you have got together with your associate, even when the 2 of you aren’t collectively. (Here are another methods to help yourself become happier and healthier whilst you’re aside.)

Although these extra individually-focused behaviors earlier than and through separation seem fairly useful, in our research, the usage of these behaviors through the time when the couple was reunited was associated to decrease relationship satisfaction. Things like processing the current separation by yourself while you and your associate have already reunited is probably going unhelpful as a result of it pulls you away from spending time together with your associate and constructing new connections.

The Role of the

And what concerning the function of the community in relationship
upkeep? It seems, these behaviors don’t matter an excessive amount of. Whether you
wish to share a bit, or loads, with buddies or household about your
relationship, it doesn’t appear to affect how happy you might be with
your relationship.

Bottom Line

Here are the highest three take-home factors from this analysis research and a few motion objects so that you can contemplate:

1.     How typically you and your associate talk through the interval of being bodily separated was related to relationship satisfaction—extra communication was related to larger relationship satisfaction.

Each time you and your associate talk, it provides you a chance to develop a brand new, deeper connection. 

Action merchandise: Reflect on how typically you and your associate talk throughout your time aside.

When you do talk, whatever the mode (textual content, cellphone name, video chat) are you and your associate utilizing communication as a chance to construct new connections with one another? If not, contemplate altering up when or how you talk as a primary step.

You additionally might have gotten right into a rut with what you discuss. Experiment with video date nights or exploring new subjects of dialog as a solution to have enjoyable and get to see one another in a unique mild.


2.     What you do by yourself (your personal ideas and actions) earlier than and through separation is simply as essential on your relationship satisfaction as what you and your associate do as a pair.

Getting into the fitting ‘head house’ earlier than you and your associate separate may help ease the transition of flying solo once more. Once separated, you should utilize that solo time to proceed to really feel nearer to your associate by actively reflecting on previous constructive relationship experiences (like that nice trip you took collectively final summer time) and likewise persevering with to have constructive future-oriented ideas about your relationship (“Our relationship can face up to the gap”). 

Action merchandise: What form of ideas do you are inclined to have earlier than and through bodily separation out of your associate? If they’re largely unfavorable, strive beginning by deliberately reflecting on a constructive reminiscence. It’s additionally okay if some emotions of disappointment/longing come up whilst you’re reflecting—that simply means you care about your associate and worth the connection.  

3.     In our research, larger relationship satisfaction additionally predicted larger private well-being.

People who reported greater relationship satisfaction additionally reported much less psychological misery (much less despair, anxiousness) and total extra satisfaction with life. The profit then of enhancing your relationship is that there’s additionally a superb likelihood you’ll enhance your personal well-being within the course of. 

Action merchandise: Reflect on how your emotional well-being is related to your relationship satisfaction. Notice how you’re feeling at instances when your relationship is prospering and instances while you and your associate could be struggling. If you discover that these two go hand-in-hand for you, then all of the extra purpose to search out methods to prioritize your relationship well being. Start by incorporating the connection motion objects mentioned above and see how which may shift your emotional well-being.

Food for Thought

What particular person, relational, or community behaviors do you have interaction in earlier than, throughout, and after separation?

Use the chart offered to determine which behaviors you (and your associate) are at the moment doing. Are you spending sufficient vitality and time on the behaviors that depend most (particular person behaviors earlier than and through separation and the connection behaviors throughout separation)?

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